


Diane Young

by ThatOnePinoyKid



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: BillDip, DIANE I TOLD YOU I WOULD DO IT, Fluff, I nailed it, I suck at writing tbh, I tried copying my friend's writing style, M/M, MHHHHMMM, Not, just watch as my friend comes in and tells me that again lol, lel, with lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 21:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7006921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOnePinoyKid/pseuds/ThatOnePinoyKid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Based on the song Diane Young by Vampire Weekend)</p><p>A little one shot for Billdip. High-speed chases and music blasting out- what's a better way to spend time with your boyfriend?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diane Young

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PandaGod03](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaGod03/gifts).



_You torched a Saab like a pile of leaves_  
_I'd gone to find some better wheels_

"Is it possible for you to get  _any_ crazier?!" Dipper Pines screamed, swerving his car to the right. He barely, just  _barely_ missed the semi-truck that was about to hit him. 

"Whaaaaat? It's fitting though!" shouted his boyfriend. 

Fuck, he was right, Dipper grumbled. Just a minute ago, he legit torched a Saab.

 _Four, five meters running round the bend_  
_When the government agents surround you again_

Almost as if the song cued them, Agent Powers and Agent Trigger called out to them with a megaphone, yelling for the two criminals to stop what they were doing and surrender to them. Dipper almost scoffed, handing Bill a shotgun from his side as he turned his car around a corner, missing the spikes on the road to stop them. The car gave out a big screech, and he didn't even flinch. Yeah, as if he was going to surrender. 

 _If Diane Young won't change your mind,_  
_Baby, baby, baby, baby right on time_

Bill, being the idiot he always was, sang at the top of his lungs as he pumped the shotgun. He rolled down his window, pointing the shotgun out of it as he closed one eye. Dipper watched him out of the corner of his eye, two hands on the steering wheel to keep them steady in case something happened. Bill pulled the trigger, letting out a big  _boom_ as the shotgun bullet cut through a tire of their chasers. 

"Right on time, motherfucker!" Bill laughed, pumping his shotgun again. "If you didn't swerve when ya did, I wouldn't have hit you!"

"Bill, you're an idiot!" Dipper yelled over the noise of the radio. 

"I know, right?!" 

 _Out of control but you're playing a role_  
_Do you think you can go 'til the 18th hole_

"Uh, Bill?" Dipper asked, leaning towards his boyfriend to let him hear what he was saying. He almost hit an old lady across his hood, but swerved enough to avoid it. "Where  _are_ we fucking going?"

"Easy, Pines!" Bill grinned, tossing the shotgun to the empty backseat. Or, not so empty. There was a dozen suitcases in the back of their car, filled with one hundred dollar bills, waded together for their enjoyment and no tracking of policemen. Well, the last part was a no-brainer. They were literally being chased by cops at the moment. "We kill the guys!"

"Bill, we steal money, not murder!" Dipper reminded his boyfriend in horror, turning his head around to look at Bill in the eyes. 

Bill laughed, leaned over and planting a kiss on Dipper's cheek. "I know," he laughed, "yeesh, can't you take a joke, Pine Tree?"

Dipper's face heated up, and he decided to cover it by turning his head around back to the street in front of them. Sirens wailed close behind, causing the poor boy's shoulders to tense and lock his jaw. Bill, on the other hand, watched his lover with an upturned corner of his lips, relaxed shoulders and relaxed jaw. He's done this a million times in the past, and not once has he been caught before. His Pine Tree was too tense.

 _Or will you flip-flop the day of the championship?_  
_Try to go it alone on your own for a bit_

"Kid, calm down," Bill soothed, "you're tense as shit."

"If you keep telling me I'm not as chill as you are every single time we go out on an expedition," Dipper gritted out, "why the hell don't you do this shit alone?"

"Because I like seeing you become bad sometimes!" Bill exclaimed. He pondered over this for a while. "Plus, you're really cute."

"So you take people with you to steal banks and go on high speed chases if they're cute?" Dipper snapped. 

"Yes."

"Eugh."

Bill grinned. He stretched his arms behind his head, letting them rest casually on Dipper's seat and on his. He leaned towards the brunet. "Aw, c'mon, don't look so jealous!" Bill purred. He could tell that his Pine Tree was jealous about the fact that he liked taking cute people on what he interpreted as dates. 

"I'm not even-!"

"You're the only person I find cute. Trust me on that. You're really hot too~"

_"Cipher!"_

"Sorry. Sensitive subject?"

"How in fucking hell could that even be a sensitive sub-?!"

 _If Diane Young won't change your mind,_  
_Baby, baby, baby, baby right on time_

Their ears rang as their back left tire was blown out by the cursed police. Dipper tried his best to keep them on track, Bill cringing as the sounds of screeching filled the air. This was honestly the worst part of going on high-speed chases- the noises were cringe worthy. Bill's poor ears were the most sensitive ears he had ever known. So sensitive in fact, that the single furries video and audio was enough for him to go and puke. 

Wait, was that even a good comparison to this? Whatever, it's a good enough comparison to him. 

Dipper cursed under his breath, a string of sweat going down the side of his face down to his collar. Bill held on to the handle on top of the car, the car itself bumping and making his ass go up in the air for a couple seconds at a time. Bill's teeth clattered together, the only reason for him not flying out the window being his seatbelt. He seriously needed to thank the person who made the seatbelt. Then, maybe he could take the millionaire's money afterwards. Bill sighed. Only if there was a time traveling machine just so he could make that possible.

Dipper was having thoughts not as abstract as his. 

The only thought racing through his mind as they screeched through the narrow street was,  _I'm going to die while this crappy song plays in the background._

 _Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Baby baby baby it's a light on_  
_Baby baby baby it's a lifetime_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Time, time, time, time, time_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on time_

The idiot still wouldn't stop singing along to the goddamn song as Dipper did all the work for them, racing them down a hill as carefully (was that even possible on a hill) as he could. Dipper almost screamed at his boyfriend, nagging and lecturing him to help him with this situation and to stop being such a drag. Huh. He was going to die arguing with his boyfriend. Not the first choice he'd have, but it was better than nothing, right?

"Bill fucking Cipher," Dipper settled with, gasping for air as the car turned over once, twice, on the hill. He almost hit his head on top of the car, but his hands shot out and kept him from hitting, his wrists feeling sore from the strain. Their car came back right-side up down below the hill, confusing the policemen and giving them enough time to drive away. Bill laughed happily. 

"Yeah, kid?" Bill laughed out, sticking his head out his open window to give the middle finger to the cops as he stuck out his tongue. 

 _Irish and proud, baby, naturally_  
_But you got the luck of a Kennedy_  
_So grab the wheel, keep on holding it tight_  
_'Til you're tottering off into that good night_

"Hah, I'm not even Irish, but I'm sure as hell proud!" Bill chortled with the song. Dipper rolled his eyes. 

"If we die-" Dipper began.

"If  _I_ die, because I'm not letting you die anytime soon," Bill said happily, bringing himself back to his seat and putting his seatbelt back on. His words were meant to be teasing, but Dipper couldn't help but feel like Bill actually  _meant_ those words. "Not on my watch, Dipper." 

Dipper shook his head, clearing it with a small growl. Shit, Bill was playing with him now. 

"Look Bill, I'm not kidding around with you, if we seriously-"

"And  _I_ am not kidding around, as you put it," Bill cut off, his tone filled with slight anger and irritation. He swiveled his head, facing Dipper with a look that Dipper only saw when they were dealing with stubborn folks who refused to give their cash over even with a shotgun pointed at their head (as if they'd ever use it anyhow). "Kid, I bring you on expeditions with me because I care about you more than I care about myself. If I leave you alone, even for a moment, I keep having this feeling you'd leave me." Voice quiet, voice serious- Dipper gulped.

Dipper's hands shook on the wheel, the sirens becoming louder and louder as they came closer to their car. They had no place to go.

Bill glanced out the car, watching Dipper drive mindlessly, driving them somewhere they didn't know. 

Bill's eyes focused back on Dipper, body slightly turned around and seatbelt pressing tightly against his chest. He refused to move or even shift his weight. "You're not going to die, Dipper," Bill murmured. "The worst thing they could do is bring us to jail, is all."

"Oh yeah?" Dipper challenged. "Do you have any idea what we've done in the past, Bill? Fuck man, we've even been charged with  _manslaughter_ because of a mistake  _you_ brought me into! Do you realize what they can do to us? They'll- they'll bring us to death, Bill! Don't you- don't you know that?!"

Bill was suddenly quiet, eyes slightly hooded as he stared at Dipper, his hair flapping around his head as the wind from his open window picked up. Dipper clenched his jaw, already knowing that the man had nothing to say to him. That was why he was startled when Bill answered.

"Then I'll fight for you. I don't care if they cut my head off or electrocute me to death. But if they as much  _touch_ a single hair on your adorable little head, I'm going to skin each and every single one of them until they look like skeleton models for a high school lab."

A cool hand was put underneath Dipper's chin, jutting it to the right so he could look at the passenger beside him. Dipper kept his foot on the pedal, driving them along the thankfully straight highway for now. It wasn't long until they had to exit and enter the narrow streets of Gravity Falls all over again. Their chases usually didn't last this long, and that was what was scaring the both of them, even though neither said nothing about it directly.

 _If Diane Young won't change your mind,_  
_Baby, baby, baby, baby right on time_

When Bill looked into his lover's eyes, he couldn't help but take a deep intake of breath. There was so much fear in his lover's eyes, just complete sheer terror. He didn't want anything more than to kiss the fear away.

He thought, why the hell not? If it didn't work, it didn't work. 

Bill pressed his lips against Dipper's, deep and reassuring. He moved his lips, his hand moving away from Dipper's chin so he could wrap it around Dipper's waist. His other hand pressed itself firmly against Dipper's thigh, squeezing it to reassure his boyfriend that he was still here and they were still alive. He missed kissing Dipper's lips. Well, it's literally been four hours since they've kissed but- that was besides the point!

Dipper tensed underneath his kiss, then relaxed almost immediately. The boy seemed to melt against his kiss, whimpering softly against their lips. Bill hushed him by kissing him harder, deepening their kiss and prolonging it longer than their other kisses. 

Bill pulled away from him after he fought with his own brain and choices, looking at Dipper straight in the eyes, the humor gone. 

Dipper almost whimpered again. There was a reason why Bill was slightly feared by everyone. He was a fun, easy-going man, but as soon as he went down to business, he was this scary cold-hearted blond who would legit kill you if you didn't step out of his way or touched the only person he cared about. "Don't  _ever_ say you're going to die," Bill snarled. "Because I swear to you, if you die, I'm going to kill everyone on this planet unless they grovel at your grave and apologize to you directly. Do. You. Understand. Me?"

Dipper nodded, tearing his eyes away from Bill to turn them around. His hands stopped shaking, but the slight fear was still there. The threats in Bill's words were real, he knew, but he couldn't help but feel  _more_ scared by them than actually being comforted. Bill had weird ways of comforting, and now was one of those moments. 

"Jeez, Bill, I-" Dipper began. He cleared his throat. "I was only going to say that if we were going to die, I was going down with you knowing that I love you."

 _Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Baby baby baby it's a light on_  
_Baby baby baby it's a lifetime_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on_  
_Time, time, time, time, time_  
_Baby baby baby baby right on time_

Bill beamed at him. "And I love you too~" he sang out. 

"Bill, I'm being serious here!" Dipper's ears tanged with embarrassment. 

"And so am I!" mocked the other, laughing loudly as wind roared in their ears. He laughed once more, and Dipper scowled, regretting his words the moment Bill began to laugh that laugh of his. 

"But hey," Bill soothed, his words small and calm. "I really am serious, Pine Tree. I love you too. But I think we both know we loved the other for a  _really, really_ long time. Remember when you tried to kill that girl just because she-?"

"What the hell was I supposed to do! I thought you were cheating on me!" Dipper argued, becoming more and more embarrassed as time went on. He should really stop talking.

"Aw, I'd never cheat on you!" Bill cooed, pinching Dipper's cheek. Dipper swatted his hand away with a glowering look, stepping on the gas to get them faster than they already were. Trees and buildings were simple blurs as they passed by them. Bill couldn't help but actually being offended for Dipper thinking he'd ever do such a thing. Goodness, did the guy think he wasn't a gentleman?!

Before he could express those thoughts, their other tire was blown out completely, already forcing them to turn more abruptly and weirdly than they already were. Dipper swore underneath his breath, and Bill put an arm over Dipper's stomach to keep him in place almost as a reflex. Their car bumped on something in the road and their butts came up in the air for a good two seconds. 

 _Nobody knows what the future holds_  
_And it's bad enough just getting old_  
_Live my life in self-defense_  
_You know I love the past, 'cause I hate suspense..._

Dipper's eyes squeezed shut as his leg felt numb to the touch, cold and listless. He could feeling his body shutting down, and he didn't know why. Panic swelled in his chest, no matter how much the boy next to him was yelling, screaming and begging him to move his feet so they could live. So they could live together and live happily. His words were enough to snap him out of it on any other day, but now was just...

Bill, on the other hand, was gritting his teeth and trying to move the steering wheel. But even if he controlled the car, he couldn't control the speed. 

They were about to crash against a building, to be smothered against it like pancakes on a hot day. Again, Bill pondered if that was a good comparison to this but- no matter, it seriously didn't matter at the moment, sheesh! Get yourself together, Cipher!

Going, going, going, and-

Gone.

Nah, just kidding.

They simply crashed against a pole when Dipper finally snapped out of his paralyzed state, jolting their bodies and bringing out the air bags. Their heads smacked against those bags, but that was literally all the damage they could endure. 

Bill took off his seatbelt, swatting the air bag out of his face and doing the same for Dipper. The bags deflated, letting him see the wide-eyed brunet. His curly hair was dirty and crazy, sticking out in ten different directions as Dipper looked out in front of them with his mouth hanging slightly open. "Are you okay, Pines?" Bill asked in mild concern, his eyes already roaming Dipper's body for any signs of injury. He relaxed when he found none. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, just-" Dipper breathed. 

A paper fluttered off the pole they crashed against, fluttering to the front of their cracked window. It was a wanted sign for a girl named Diane Westbrooke, wanted for thievery and being incredibly...pretty?

 _If Diane Young won't change your mind,_  
_Baby, baby, baby, baby right on time_

"Thanks, Diane!" Bill exclaimed, blowing a kiss to the wanted poster of the girl. 

Dipper smacked the back of his head. 

"Aw, is Dipper jealoooooous~?"

Dipper smacked him again. 

"You. Are. A. Dork," Dipper announced, enunciating each word slowly.

"But I'm your dork, am I right or am I right, Pine Tree?" Bill waggled his eyebrows suggestively, slicking back his messy hair as he leaned in towards Dipper. 

"No," Dipper said simply. He thought for a while.

"Okay, maybe. Just- please don't play that song ever again."

**Author's Note:**

> I literally just made this to make fun of my friend. Get well soon, motherfucker. 
> 
> btw, there's chocolate in the fridgeeeeeee~


End file.
